Growing Up with Jennifer Knapp
A lot can change in two decades.
This past weekend, I sat a few yards from singer-songwriter Jennifer Knapp as she performed at Poor David’s Pub in Dallas, Texas. The venue is so cozy it felt like hanging out in a living room with friends. This was the fifth or sixth time I have seen Jennifer in concert. The first occasion, in 2000, I was mostly a closeted, gay Christian struggling to believe I had any dignity or worth. It turns out, Jennifer was closeted too. In many ways we grew up and came out together.
Jennifer went from an introverted trumpet player grappling with an alcohol problem to Christian music star in a matter of a few years. Pittsburgh State University gave her a music scholarship and, while on campus, friends shared the gospel with her. Jennifer became a Christian and her music career was set in motion before she could even graduate. Toby Mac of DC Talk gave her a contract with Gotee Records. Her album, Kansas (1998), sold half a million copies.
I vividly remember the moment I first heard Jennifer Knapp. I had just moved to Portland, Oregon from Salem after graduating with a master’s in counseling, and I was working as a mental health therapist in a nonprofit community organization. I was glad for the fresh start. It allowed me to move away from a romantic relationship with a woman I had met in grad school. As evangelical Christians, both of us believed our two-year involvement was wrong. A few years prior, I had come out to a handful of people, but I was largely closeted and trying to change my sexual orientation through ex-gay ministry. It was during this season that I walked into a Christian bookstore and heard Kansas playing over the loud speaker. I literally stopped in my tracks. I felt instant familiarity.
I had always been a tomboy who never fit the gender script in my conservative Christian world. Jennifer’s music seemed to buck the same system. It was assertive and powerful, even as it was spiritually zealous. It wasn’t “ladylike,” according to the standards of my evangelical world. But for that matter it didn’t sound like any Christian music I had heard before. In those days, Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) was increasingly putting out poor imitations of secular songs with hopes of converting people. In contrast Jennifer’s music sounded raw and authentic to my ears. I felt like I had found a kindred spirit. I immediately went to the sales counter and asked the cashier who in the world this person was and left the store with Kansas in my hand.
[Original music video from Jennifer Knapp’s 1998 Kansas album]
Two years later, after Y2K failed to end the world as projected, I gladly bought Jennifer’s next album Lay It Down (2000). During this time, she had an online bulletin board where fans could communicate, and she sometimes dropped a comment here or there (or someone did on her behalf). An essay contest was announced: whoever won would receive two free tickets to her Lay It Down concert and two backstage passes. I jumped at the chance, sharing my testimony as a young Christian “struggling with homosexuality” (as I phrased it then). I described my desire to live for Christ no matter what, choosing to reject my desire for a relationship with a woman. I won the contest. At the time, I thought Jennifer had read and selected my essay. Over the years, I wondered if she did so because of a growing awareness of her own sexuality. But as it turns out, her publicists were handling those contests. Perhaps, they gave me the tickets in hopes Jennifer would be a positive influence on me.
By 2000, I had gotten into another relationship with a woman despite my best intentions. So, I brought her to the concert with me. Backstage, we also had a chance to meet members of Third Day, the band Jennifer was touring with. At the time I was unfamiliar with Third Day, so when one member came through the line to shake my hand, I told him I was there to see Jennifer Knapp and that I didn’t know who he was. To state the obvious, I was a socially awkward nerd. But, he actually seemed intrigued to hear a response that differed from the usual fangirl excitement. When Jennifer came down the line, I was tongue-tied and unable to say anything. She tried to engage me in conversation, but all I could do was shove my CD at her. She quipped, “Do you want me to sign this?” I nodded.
In her autobiography, Facing the Music, Jennifer describes gradually falling in love with her road manager, a woman she admired for her directness, energy, equitable treatment of all musicians great or small, and stabilizing presence amid the chaos of tour life. As their friendship deepened, Jennifer tried to tell herself it wasn’t anything more than that: “In her confidence and support I had the feeling of finding a soul mate, but I didn’t dare release my mind to where it might lead. We were just good friends. Very good friends” (174). But the denial wouldn’t last long. People began confronting Jennifer, asking her if she was gay even before the relationship officially became romantic.
Jennifer was already burnt out on the Contemporary Christian Music world when she quit in 2002. The industry had taken a baby Christian, thrust her into the spotlight, and worked her ragged for years. But she was also wrestling with sexual identity and theological questions that needed time and space to process. She finished her last concert in Abilene, Texas and then dropped off the map for seven years. The internet was full of rumors and speculation. Over the next several years, I would occasionally search to see if any word had surfaced. I missed Jennifer Knapp, the kindred spirit that made me feel seen. Where had she gone? She seemed to vanish into thin air. As it turns out, she and her road manager (who became her wife) moved to Australia, away from the harsh and judging glares.
Jennifer’s public return happened in 2009 when she and her partner moved back to the United States. That fall, she performed for the first time in a long while. Everyone wanted to know where she had gone and if the rumors about her sexuality were true. In 2010, she released a new album, Letting Go, and began to share her story. News outlets wrote about her. She appeared on Larry King Live. During her long Australian restoration, Jennifer Knapp had come to accept herself. Yet facing people’s questions and reactions was not easy. Choosing to openly share herself with the world again took tremendous courage.
Shortly before Jennifer returned to the scene, I had become public about my own sexuality through my blog Pursue God, which focused on faith and sexuality (2007-2010). At the time, I still believed God would not allow me to have a relationship with a woman. I had committed myself to life-long celibacy. But in 2010, I began to question my position after further post-graduate biblical studies. I took down the blog to give myself privacy to process. It would be another six years before I became fully affirming of same-sex relationships, but I still followed Jennifer’s career with interest. In fact, I managed to attend one of her Inside Out Faith events, where I gratefully listened to her story interspersed with songs. Despite our different conclusions at the time, she was kinfolk. In some ways, she was a mirror, reminding me I was not alone as a gay Christian. I belonged.
Fast forward to today. A lot can happen in twenty-four years. I’ve grown in self-confidence. My faith has deepened. I’ve gotten married. While I’m still an introverted nerd, I’m no longer the tongue-tied 20-something that first met Jennifer Knapp in 2000. Instead, after she finished her performance last Sunday night at Poor David’s Pub, I walked over to her, introduced myself and said, “I feel like I’ve grown up with you.”
Jennifer Knapp Concert Trivia
As I wrote this post, I tried to remember how many times I’ve seen Jennifer Knapp perform. This is what I can remember to the best of my ability.
2000 - Lay It Down tour (Salem, Oregon)
2011 - Letting Go tour (South Boston, Virginia)
2013 - Inside Out Faith tour (Chicago, Illinois)
2017 - Wild Goose Festival (Hot Springs, North Carolina)
2024 - Poor David’s Pub concert (Dallas, Texas)
At Poor David’s Pub, she played a variety of songs, including “Trinity” from her Kansas album. Here’s a brief clip of the song from last Sunday.
Thank you for your courage and vulnerability in sharing this. I was in my early 20s when I first heard and loved Jennifer’s music. I had kinda fallen away from Christian music for a bit and never knew this part of her story. I do hope that both of you have found loving communities where you feel wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus.