Part 1: Diary of a Gay Baptist Girl
How could a conservative Baptist Christian end up gay?
When did I first realize I was gay? And how did I process that? In this three part series, I share what it’s like for a conservative Baptist teenager to discover she is gay. I include several diary clips. These are raw thoughts that are uncomfortable to share publicly, but I do so in hopes that my process will help others. I hope other gay Christians in conservative contexts might find comfort knowing they are not alone in their experience. And I hope my story will dispel common myths that being gay is a choice.
I came out of the womb a tomboy. In fact, oddly enough, the doctors told my parents to expect a boy. Mom and Dad picked out a name: Benjamin. My aunt crocheted a blue baby blanket. But, to their surprise I showed up in the delivery room in female attire. The conservative Christian world of my youth told me femininity meant quiet, docile and non-intellectual. As a naturally assertive, adventure-seeking, logical female who enjoys intellectual pursuits and leadership, I was all the things the church told me a girl couldn’t be.
These rigid gender roles caused confusion. Was I a boy or a girl? I didn’t want to be a boy, but I identified more with boys and their stereotypical interests. In a word, I came out of the womb a gender atypical person, a trait scientific studies say is a common childhood predictor of sexual orientation. My mom and sister tried valiantly to persuade me that wearing dresses and make-up is fun. But rather than feeling like myself such attempts made me feel alienated, as if I was in a costume.