Review: Modern Kinship by the Khalafs

A book on dating and marriage for LGBTQ Christians

David and Constantino Khalaf have authored one of the first books of its kind, Modern Kinship: A Queer Guide to Christian Marriage. Very few resources exist for devout Christians who are LGBTQ and married or striving to date with Christian principles in mind. There are several things I love about this book including the easy, enjoyable prose, the relational maturity of the writers, the supplemental interviews with other people interspersed, the reflection questions at the end of each chapter, and the fact that it goes beyond the tired debate on same-sex relationships to assume the good of such relationships.

Modern Kinship is written by a married, Christian, gay couple who share their relational wisdom from both personal experience and research. Here are a few highlights that stand out to me:

Dating

The Khalafs describe the challenges of the LGTBQ dating world. With a small dating pool, couples may have to change locations to be together. Initially, Constantino moved to Los Angeles from New York to be with David. When that city did not ultimately suit Constantino, they decided to start fresh in a place both could enjoy.

Another potential challenge is when people are at different stages of coming out and achieving peace in a same-sex relationship. (Personally, I don’t believe it’s possible for a relationship to last unless both parties are out of the closet and fully affirming.) Even when a couple is cognitively confident about their relationship, there may be residual emotional baggage from being taught for so many years that such a relationship is sinful.

Same-sex couples also have to navigate society’s response to the relationship. The way we refer to our significant other or show affection in public can elicit reactions from people. Things heterosexual couples take for granted can be stressors for same-sex couples.

Importantly, the Khalafs don’t name these kinds of challenges to just leave us there, they walk us through the process, showing us how to come out the other side in healthy ways.

The Essence of Marriage

One of my favorite aspects of the book is the emphasis on covenant for same-sex couples. Some in the LGBTQ community have argued that we should throw off monogamy as heteronormative; we should approve anything as long as there is consent. While the Khalafs are careful not to judge others with different viewpoints, their example of covenant as the place for sexual intimacy is refreshing. Covenant is not heteronormative; it's the kinship bond that fosters human flourishing. The Khalafs describe marriage this way:

“We believe a marriage in God’s image is trinitarian; it brings two people together with Christ at the center. Christian marriage, as we understand it, is a lifelong covenant reflecting the covenants the Lord has made with his people. It is through this covenanted union in the presence of God that a couple becomes a new unit of kinship” (3).

I was deeply moved by the words Constantino chose when proposing to David, “Will you help me bear my cross? Will you let me share yours? Will you marry me?” (96).

After the Wedding

The Khalafs are affiliated with the Gottman Institute, one of the top organizations for a “research-based approach to relationships.” It shows in their book. Not only do they walk us through the dating, proposal, and wedding stages, but they are realistic about the hard work it takes to make a marriage work long term. They offer sound guidance, including how to merge different personalities and habits into a unified household. For example, they talk about navigating David’s propensity toward over-independence and Constantino’s tendency toward anxious attachment. Learning each other’s relational styles is crucial for a healthy marriage.

One of the gifts in a marriage between two sexual or gender minorities is not being boxed in by gender stereotypes and artificial gender roles. Instead, couples are free to contribute to the household in ways that reflect one's God-given personality and gifting.

Buy the Book

There is much more to this book than what I have highlighted here. In fact, I am quite impressed with how much the Khalafs have managed to weave together in such a readable way. This is a wonderfully helpful book for any LGBTQ person who wants to date and marry or is already dating or married. It deserves to be widely read.

You can order Modern Kinship here.

Note: I am grateful to Westminster John Knox Press for providing an advanced review copy at my request.