Part 3: Diary of a Gay Baptist Girl
A years long journey that started in the ex-gay world and ended in joyful marriage.
In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I shared the emotional roller coaster I experienced that ranged from denial and despair to anger and hope as I navigated my faith and sexuality. I joined the ex-gay movement, which offered initial hope before crashing in disillusionment. But what truly transformed my life was coming to understand the gospel in a deeper way than I ever had before. In this post, I trace my journey beyond the ex-gay world to the celibate gay movement before finally finding freedom to marry a godly woman.
In June 2007, with a click of a button, I broadcast my sexual orientation to the world: “The Church never told me a good Christian girl who sang in church choir, went on mission trips, and served in youth leadership could be gay,” I said. So began the Pursue God blog. As the name implies my hope was to encourage the pursuit of God amid difficult questions of faith and sexuality. Before the launch of Pursue God, I had only the foggiest notion of what a blog was, only that I just had to create one. A surprising excitement and urgency bubbled up in me, compelling me to share a deeply personal side of my life.
But, let me rewind a little. By December 1999, a break-through allowed me to truly internalize God’s unconditional love. The shackles of shame, guilt, and depression had fallen from me. I still believed God would not bless marriage between two women and, therefore, was committed to a life of celibacy. But the gospel, now so freshly internalized, propelled me on an upward trajectory of joy and peace. Six months later, I moved back to my hometown of Santa Cruz, California from Portland, Oregon. The move allowed me to return to my roots, change careers, and leave behind a dysfunctional relationship. It was a chance to start anew.