What does “nonbinary” mean? This term is relatively new so if you are uncertain about its meaning that’s understandable. That’s why I sat down for a conversation with my friend Jen Eckles, who identifies as nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns.
Jen is a former audiologist turned substitute teacher, who goes above and beyond to serve kids in the local public school district. They are also trained as a spiritual director. Raised in a conservative Christian context, Jen now identifies as spiritual, but not religious. Jen has a compassionate heart for the LGBTQ community, as someone who also identifies as both nonbinary and bisexual.
As we chatted, Jen noted that their experience as a nonbinary person is similar to my experience as a gender atypical person. In fact, they said the term “gender atypical” might be appropriate for them too. Jen feels comfortable in their female body (they are not transgender). In fact, Jen marvels at their female body, and says one of the most treasured experiences in their life was being pregnant and giving birth to a son.
What Jen and I have in common is that we both have interests and proclivities that are more common for the opposite sex. In this way, we find ourselves distinct in certain ways from common female experiences. Yet despite our shared experience, we use different terms. Why is that? For example, why don’t I use they/them pronouns like Jen? I use pronouns based on my female sex, as opposed to my gender experience. Jen uses pronouns based on their gender experience rather than their female sex. In this way, Jen’s use of language publicly signals to others their atypical gender experience.
While using they/them pronouns can be uncomfortable when we are not accustomed to doing so, respecting pronouns is actually participating in a kind of truth-telling. Jen is vulnerably sharing that their experience in the world is not the same as many women. They are different. Being forced into a social norm box hindered their natural giftings and interests that are normal for them. Having to perform in artificial ways to be socially acceptable is very stressful to nonbinary and gender atypical people.
Click on the video image below to watch/listen to Karen Keen’s conversation with Jen Eckles for the Gender Stories series. Or click here.
Questions
1. What does Jen mean when they refer to themselves as “nonbinary”? How is that similar or different from being transgender?
2. What emotions come up for you when you hear terms like nonbinary? What do those emotions reveal about yourself?
3. How might you practice hospitality toward nonbinary people in your community?
Relevant Terminology
Importantly, gender related terms (as opposed to biological sex) are connected to a person’s experience of social norms (what is typically expected of males or females in a particular culture). Social norms are cultural inventions. But, social norms can also stem from biological factors (e.g. the impact of testosterone on levels of aggression and resulting stereotypical social behavior).
Nonbinary (aka NB or “enby”): an umbrella term for someone who doesn’t fit social norms typically expected for their natal sex as male or female. A person may conceptualize this difference as being a combination of genders akin to intersex (and thus use they/them pronouns to reflect that combo), or as not fitting into either social experience typical for male or female.
Gender atypical: an umbrella term that can be synonymous with nonbinary. But “nonbinary” is an identity that emphasizes ambiguity, a sense of liminal space between or outside of a binary. On the other hand, “gender atypical” is an identity label that more transparently acknowledges one’s natal sex, even while recognizing that one’s social experience is atypical for one’s sex. The social experience of both nonbinary and gender atypical people might be the same; it’s simply a matter of preference regarding how that experience is conceptualized and labeled.
Genderqueer: another unbrella term. Often used synonymously with nonbinary. But it can be used more broadly to refer to gender identities other than nonbinary, such as transgender. Unlike nonbinary people, transgender people often (not always) identify consistently with one side of the binary (as either a woman or a man).
Genderfluid: a person who sometimes feels connected to the social norms of their natal sex and other times feels more in line with the social norms of the opposite sex. It’s experienced as a fluid shifting from one to the other or neither (e.g. desire to dress or act “girly” one day and masculine the next day).
Other gender terms: agender (don’t identify with any sterotypical gender experiences), bigender (combination of genders), demigender (partial identification with a particular gender).
Intersex: a person who has biological characteristics of both sexes. Sex pertains to bodily realities, while gender pertains to social realities. Intersex people are normally raised by parents on one side of the binary (as male or female) and typically adhere to this designation into adulthood. But some intersex people find that the gender chosen for them by their parents or doctors does not fit and may choose a different gender that better aligns. It’s possible that some nonbinary people have undiagnosed intersex or biological realities contributing to their social experience (e.g. atypical exposure to androgens in utero leading to behaviors and interests more typical of the opposite sex).